Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.