He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
