Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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