I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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