hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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