I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
