You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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