So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
