May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
