I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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