I think my fart just growled at me.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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