I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
