If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
