Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
