There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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