My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
