im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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