his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
