he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
