I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
