im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
