Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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