I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
