I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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