Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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