I can tuck mytits in my pants
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
