So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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