good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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