dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
