I accidentally had phone sex last night
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
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I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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