Is it because I queefed?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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