Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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