I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
