he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
