Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
