Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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