at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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