Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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