She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I fill condoms, not promises.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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