You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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