Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
