When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
