the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
