I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
