We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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