Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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