put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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