i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
