OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
this is an emotional support booty call
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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