Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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