did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
