I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize