Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
