My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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