Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
And then he peed in my hair
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